my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
