I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I fill condoms, not promises.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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