I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
