theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
