Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
