Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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