My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
