so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
