Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
