Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
