turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
