I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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