Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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