1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
