6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
