Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
