he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
