Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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