put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
