he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
