i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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