Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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