i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
