I accidentally burped into my bong.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
