I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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