I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
