Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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