My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
