I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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