i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
