you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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