U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
