i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
