??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize