So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
