I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
