Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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