and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
