the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
