Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
