I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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