i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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