Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
