Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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