Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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