you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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