booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
