WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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