i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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