im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i think my mom watched the whole time
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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