I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
