nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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