I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize