dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
