They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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