When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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