He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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