I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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