I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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