There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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