Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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